


The Shuckmeister's Black Friday Adventure

by RiddlePanda



Category: Jojotuber, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Gen, This is pure serious crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21516778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiddlePanda/pseuds/RiddlePanda
Summary: An (in)accurate telling of how Shuckmeister gains his Switch.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	The Shuckmeister's Black Friday Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack in an attempt to be serious. Shuck, Scrub, River, everyone else I mention in this fic: you know I love ya.

A Scrub for Hire gritted his teeth as he gripped the steering wheel of his car. “How the fuck did you two rope me into this bullshit?”

Riverdude turned around in his seat to see Shuckmeister gazing fondly at the piece of paper clutched in his hand, repeating “Switch” over and over. “Because I can’t deal with Shuck by myself when he gets like this Scrub. Once he sets his mind on something, he just focuses on that until it’s accomplished.”

Scrub groaned as he turned into the already filled parking lot of WalMart. “I still don’t see how you couldn’t have got _anyone else_ to take you two idiots Black Friday shopping. I’m trying to catch up on my sleep after staying up for two nights dubbing shit for Shuck’s thirsty fans in his damn server. The last place I wanted to be was at fucking WalMart during Black Friday.”

“Love you too man.”

Scrub miraculously found a parking spot and drove his car into the spot. “You’ll be okay taking care of him while you’re in there, right?”

Riverdude furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re not staying in the car, are you? I mean…since you’re here…”

Scrub laughed and shook his head. “Nah I’m going inside. But I’m staying clear of the madness. I’ve got enough of that shit to deal with and I might as well pick up a few things I need. I’m running out of hot pockets, rubber gloves, and bleach. Got paid at my teaching job, so I’m gonna splurge.”

River chuckled. “So the hot pocket thing _is_ true.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

A hand suddenly gripped Scrub’s shoulder and Shuck leaned in closer. “Family Pack of Oreos. Three of them. I also need a six pack of Coca Cola in the bottles.”

"Get your own shit Shuck!"

After a minute of Shuck's blank stare, Scrub realized his friend was lost in his own mind, and took the money Shuck handed him. “I’m too fucking old to deal with this shit.”

——————————–

Riverdude had a firm grip on Shuck’s arm as he led him through WalMart to get to the electronics section. “Now Shuck, don’t get separated from me. Remember the plan. Push through, grab the Switch, and run. We’ll focus on getting our Pokemon games after that. Got it?”

Shuck nodded as looked up from the ad in his hands. “Yeah, got it River. I’m so excited! I haven’t been this happy since I had that one class where we-”

“Hey boomer! No one likes Megumin better than me!”

Riverdude narrowed his eyes as he let go of Shuck’s arm. “Sorry Shuck. Stay here while I go beat up this fourteen year old brat. There's _no one_ that likes Megumin better than _me_!”

—————————–

Shuck grumbled as he watched River retreat before turning to look at the chaos of the electronics section. There were way too many moms with Karen haircuts and twice as many children stalking along the aisles for him to safely navigate by himself. He sighed as he remembered the words that RiddlePanda had typed the week before. He definitely _would_ get torn apart if he entered the fray by himself.

Still…he _had_ to get a Switch. It was the prize he allowed himself for passing all his classes (that he had gone to) and being at almost 150,000 subscribers and he was not leaving until he got one, River helping him or not.

There was a dark haze around the area. Shuck could feel the evil energy emanating from the place. He took a deep breath and shook his head. He couldn’t be scared. He could do this. He was the goddamn Shuckmeister. JoJo Meme God himself. A bunch of Karens and crotch spawn wiener kids would not deter him from his goal.

He took that fateful step forward.

———————–

In five minutes, Shuck realized he had made a huge mistake. Between the screams of kids and the tortured moaning of the WalMart employees, it was hard to keep his thoughts together as he carefully navigated the five dollar bargin bins and narrowly avoided getting run over by carts. The gaming section was within his sights and he was so close he could taste it.

He avoided a group of teens screaming about some weird bean movie and made his way closer to his goal, waving a silent hello as he passed Subspaceless looking at the headphones.

Shuck smiled as he passed the threshold into the gaming section, basking in the sight of game systems and accessories. His eyes made a beeline for the Nintendo Switch section, the most prominent area since the system was still relatively new. Screw Riverdude basically abandoning him and his own insecurities. He could get his Switch all by himself.

Dodging the obstacles, Shuck got closer to the section. It was almost in his grasp. The Switch that would be his was beckoning him.

The intercom crackled overhead. “There’s only one Switch left! Get it before it’s gone!”

**_FUCK._ **

Shuck’s eyes grew wide as he felt the shift in the air. The eyes of Karen moms and their demon seedlings began to quickly migrate into the area. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he locked eyes on the lone Switch that was left. One step became two as he broke out into a run just as the flood of children began to ooze toward him. He knew he was definitely going to regret eating all those oreos late at night, but he could deal with that later.

A sharp pain struck his leg and Shuck cried out as he looked down to see a five year old girl had grabbed and bit into his leg as a boy pushed past him.

“Good going sis! Keep a good grip!”

**_Oh hell the fuck no._ **

Shuck raised his other leg and kicked the girl squarely in the head, unlatching her teeth from his leg. He winced as he put weight on his foot, the teeth wound throbbing in pain. Shuck grit his teeth as he ignored the pain, quickly catching up to the boy that had run past and had already grabbed the Switch.

“That Switch is mine!”

He was seconds from reaching for the boy when he was grabbed and thrown back. He hit the ground harshly, the impact running through his entire body.

“You little bastard! You hit my kid in the head! I’ll make you pay for hurting my dear A$4leeag4!”

For a split second, he saw the Karen raise her fist back in preparation to hit him. He was momentarily glad he didn’t wear glasses.

The impact never hit and Shuck opened his eyes, gasping in shock as two very handsome men were holding the woman back.

“Doofus! Thanasis! Thanks guys! I don’t know how the hell you got here, but you just saved my butt!”

Strong arms grabbed Shuck and pulled him up. He turned around to briefly see someone quickly duck behind an aisle. “Thanks Zulu. I owe you man.”

“You’ll owe us even more in a minute. Thanasis, Doofus, you guys ready?”

The two men nodded at Jofipa as he grinned. “Time to put this bitch into… ** _JAIL HOUSE LOCK_**!”

Shuck didn’t want to go into an explanation on just exactly _how_ Jofipa banished a Karen to the ether, all he knew was that his leg hurt and he wanted his Switch that was _still_ in the grasp of the hellspawn the Karen had birthed.

“You hurt my mom you stupid meanies! I’m gonna-”

**_“LA CHANCLA!”_ **

The Switch box slammed on the floor as the boy dropped it from the impact of the sandal hitting him square on the face. The boy clutched his nose as he started crying. Migly, sandal in hand, stood between the boy and the Switch before reaching down to grab the box.

“No one messes with _our_ boss.”

Metric appeared next to him and grabbed Shuck’s arm. “Lean on me so you don’t fall over as Megan treats your leg.”

Megan nodded as she began dabbing the wound with antiseptic. “It’s not too bad. It’ll be sore for a few days, but it’ll heal without too much of a scar.”

———————————

“Sorry man. Once Neko and I got into a truce, we ran into Deluxe and I spent like thirty minutes talking to her until Nahla and Riddle came running up to say they needed help. Apparently Soapy had got into an argument about whether the pine cones on some of the ornaments were real and they needed us to help drag her away.”

Shuck clutched his Switch box as he limped alongside Riverdude. Most of what River was saying was lost as Shuck focused on the box in his hands. So what if he possibly gave a child brain damage and his mod staff made two kids orphans. The Switch acquire was worth it.

He gently placed the Switch on the conveyor belt and watched as the cashier rang it up. It was then when Shuck’s stomach dropped as he looked at the price, realizing that he had given Scrub part of his Switch money in a moment of stupidity.

“H-Hey River, can I borrow-”

Scrub showed up behind the two, shoving the bag of items that Shuck requested in his hands. “Use my employee code Chris. That should take off a few bucks. I know we’re technically not supposed to use it for anyone other than ourselves, but it’s not like they can prove it wasn’t used for my shit.”

The cashier looked up and nodded. “Hey Scrub! Sure thing! After you covered my shift a few nights ago, I owe you.”

Riverdude’s eyes widened. “Wait…Scrub… you work at WalMart too?!”

“Eh, it’s a job.”

——————————–

Shuck smiled as he lightly ran his fingers along the box. He had finally got a Switch. He couldn’t wait to get home and begin playing Pokemon. He closed his eyes as he pictured his avatar wearing the Shuckle shirt you could get in the game.

River turned around and grinned. “So I already gave you my friend code Shuck. You’ll just have to post yours on your server and you’ll have tons of people giving you theirs.”

Shuck nodded. “I’d ask you for yours Scrub, but you don’t have one, do you? You keep saying you don’t on the server.”

Scrub began chuckling. “Dude, I bought one on the first fucking day they were available. Had to sell three kidneys to afford it. I only tell people I don’t because I don’t want to be bothered. I’ll message you my friend code later on today.”

Shuck nodded before furrowing his eyebrows. Wait… _three_ kidneys? But…

“Scrub…what do you mean by three kidneys? You only have two and you need at least one-”

The backseat door suddenly opened and Schroder quickly sat down next to Shuck. “Hey guys! Long time no see! Do you think I could get a ride home?”

“I’m not a fucking Uber until Saturday! Get the fuck out of my car!”

Schroder chuckled. “You’re hilarious Scrub! Thanks for the ride.”

“Motherfucker!”

Scrub pulled out of the parking lot…just as the WalMart exploded.

Schroder turned around to look at the carnage and grinned. “So…I guess that hypothetical situation I made in there _can_ be done. Oops. Maybe I _should_ have used one more banana instead of the package of Mentos. Anyway, you guys want some Bus Bread? I know we’re in a car, but Shrubs assured me we can still eat it in one.”

———————–

“Welcome back to Meme Review! Sorry I was gone last week. A lot happened in my attempt to acquire a Switch. A lady got banished to the ether, my friend’s in jail for blowing up a WalMart, I think another friend is an organ harvester, but hey! I got my Switch!”


End file.
